Hi Dr. Singer,
Our 7 year old daughter has tantrums like you cannot believe. She looks possessed. We have had her medically evaluated and nothing shows up. Our pediatrician suggests that she is spoiled, but we aren’t sure. During the tantrum, we have tried to talk to her each time about what is bothering her and we sit with her for up to a half hour trying to reason with her afterwards and it just happens the same way again the next day. We don’t know what to do. Can you help us? L.L.
Dear L.L.,
Just from your presentation of the problem to me, I can tell why this is continuing. It’s also the reason that I believe, causes most bad behavior patterns to continue forever. It’s in the talking part. Giving that much positive attention and time to a child who is acting that way will not only continue the behavior, but if done long enough, will make it permanent.
There are a lot of professionals out there who believe that you must reason with and talk to a child during horrible behavior. I’ve seen it done in homes and schools again and again. People somehow believe that the child will willingly give up their power abusing behavior if they just say the right words. That is very wrong. If you look at what the cause and purpose of a tantrum really are, it begins to become very clear why talking will never work. The cause of a tantrum is rarely biological and is rarely about true deep emotions that need talking about. At a young age, true deep emotions are not usually the case. Usually, the tantrum begins because, plain and simple, the child has not gotten what he or she wants. Guess what? It’s a fact of life that children are self-centered. They are supposed to be. It’s also a fact of life that none of us always get what we want and usually, rarely do we get what we want. We need to learn that lesson young so that we don’t go through life beating people up to get what we want. If you think these tantrums randomly just stop at some age, think again. I’ve met plenty of adults capable of full blown tantrums because no one ever taught them differently as children. If we learn young that we get a ton of attention and a personal audience from being obnoxious in our attempts to get what we want, we have gotten the goal and will continue to do the same thing over and over again.
The purpose of a tantrum is very simple. It is to scare everyone around you into believing that you are more powerful than they are. Sometimes, looking at some of the kids I’ve seen do this, it’s very believable that they are more powerful. When a child shrieks and a parent backs down, who is the more powerful one? Now, you might ask why I bring up power. Isn’t power a bad thing to have over a child? Well, when it is abused, power is bad for anyone, but when a parent is using power appropriately to be in a position above the child to insure that behavior is appropriate, and good lessons and habits are learned, parental power is not only good, but necessary to the child’s survival. If the child believes that he or she is in a more powerful or higher position in the family than the parent, you have big trouble that lasts and lasts and lasts. Later that same behavior pattern will kill jobs, relationships, friendships and lots of chances for success in life. In our present society, many of us give our kids way too much power, way too young.
The best thing to do is to let the child just scream it out in a safe place or provide appropriate consequences* for the tantrum. This is if the child is not being physically dangerous to himself, herself or others. In that case, you need to learn to get that dangerous behavior under control as soon as possible. I can train you in that if you need. I have successfully worked with many parents to help their physically acting out child. If the tantrums are not dangerous and are just about screaming and stomping, eventually, the child will wear out on it, if no one gives in. Eventually, it hurts the throat to scream. It becomes exhausting. When the tantrum becomes more work than profit, guess what happens? It goes away because it isn’t successful anymore. This is just human nature. We continue to do what works and we stop what doesn’t. The problem usually happens when parents ignore it one time and then give in the next.
If parents cannot stand to sit and let the child get through the tantrum and they do something or offer something to the child to stop. This makes future tantrums stronger and longer. It happens in about 99% of all households in this country. So, don’t feel alone.
Most parents give in because they feel they are somehow damaging their child by not paying attention to the feelings. This is just not correct. If you coddle a child who is having a tantrum, you are reinforcing the bad behavior. If you wait until the child gets himself or herself under control and then talk about what happened, and connect the child's behavior to the problem, you are going to have more attention from the child about the talk and you will not be reinforcing bad behavior. Rather, you will be creating responsibility for actions. You can also ask the child what might be a better way to handle it and get what he or she needs.
Of course, if the child "ups the ante and becomes destructive to get your attention, you need to react. Reacting should be specific and directed though. Again, I can teach you what to do.
For those of you who would say this is just a stage or phase the child will naturally grow out of, don’t count on it. Kids definitely go through stages and phases, but the important thing is what the child learns from that stage. If we respond incorrectly to the behavior in the stage now, the behavior grows to bigger levels later. Can I tell you about how many families I have seen who don’t take it on because they say it is just a stage and the child will "grow" out of it and then 2 years later, they are calling back with 20 more "knots in the kid’s rope" and a much harder road to travel. Teach your kids the right way out of the stage and everyone’s life is more peaceful for it.
You need to get this under control now, while she is young enough to turn it back. It’s really very simple to do, but the first step starts with deciding to do it. Do not be embarrassed about it. Like I said, all families deal with this. Go to the grocery store sometime just to watch and see for yourself, how many bags of cookies are bought in the name of appeasement! If you decide to fix this with me, call again. I look forward to hearing from you.
Note: Even when tantrums are not dangerous, watch from a distance to make sure they don’t get dangerous. Sometimes, when you stop paying attention, the child will want to "up the ante" some and you need to be there to stop that. Do not hover. Just watch from a close distance and be ready to act, especially if your child is a teenager who can walk out the door. If you feel you or your child are in any danger, do not ever hesitate to call in professional assistance in the form of 911 or other emergency services like an emergency room.
*I have been referred to as "The Queen of Creative Consequences" many a time. Even when you think that there is nothing that might get in the way of your child’s bad behavior, come talk to me. I’ll show you that there is always something appropriate and creative to make that bad behavior go away!
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